May 13

You are cuteA man was waking up after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open.

“You’re beautiful!” he said, and fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

Twenty minutes later, his eyes fluttered open again. “You’re cute!” he said.

“What happened to beautiful?” the wife asked.

He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Jul 19

Lotto WinnerAt breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”

“I’d take my half and leave you,” she says.

“Great!” he says. “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s 6 bucks. Drop me a note, and let me know where you end up.”

May 13

driving-rangeA guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything he tries to hit he tops, balls are only going about 20′ and he’s burning worms the whole way.

Finally disgusted, he turns to the golf pro on the range and mutters, “If I don’t connect with this one, I’m gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”

The pro looks at him and says, “I don’t think you can do it.”

“Why not,” the guy asks.

The pro says, “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long!”

Mar 22

We had a power failure at my place this morning, so my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new SurroundSound music system were all down.

Then, I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead, too.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee, and then I remembered that that also needed power.

So I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Feb 06

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to reprove him.

“Johnny,” she said, smiling sweetly, “when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Jan 28
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons, each of whom wanted to prove he was the best son.

Son No. 1 bought her a 15-room mansion.

Son No. 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur.

Unable to outspend his brothers, Son No. 3 bought the woman a trained parrot that had been taught over 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

After receiving her gifts, the old lady said to her first son: “Son, the house is gorgeous, but it’s much too big for me. I don’t really need it, but thank you anyway.”

To the second, she said: “Son, the car is beautiful and has everything you could ever want, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver. So please return it.”

To the youngest, she said: “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but very tender and just delicious!”

Jun 10

A psychiatrist’s secretary walks into his study and says,
“There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he’s invisible.”

The psychiatrist responds,
“Tell him I can’t see him.”

Nov 08
A murder has been committed. Police are called to the scene and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”


“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands behind his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Five, six, seven…..Put me down for a five.”

Oct 20

RiskyA man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.”

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????”

The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

Oct 18

A guy is riding through a neighborhood and sees a sign in front of a house that says:
“Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“So you can talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for seven years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some shifty goings-on and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a few litters of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner, “How much for the dog?”

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”