Oct 20
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.”
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????”
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.
Oct 18
A guy is riding through a neighborhood and sees a sign in front of a house that says:
“Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
“So you can talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for seven years running.
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some shifty goings-on and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a few litters of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner, “How much for the dog?”
“Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for only ten dollars?”
“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”
Oct 13
A man and his wife had a fight and were giving each other the silent treatment. After a day or so the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight to New York. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m., and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It’s 5:00 a.m.; wake up.”
Oct 06
A man goes to the doctor with a banana in his right ear, green beans up his nose, and a carrot in his left ear.
“Doctor,” he cries, “What do you think’s wrong with me?”
“Simple,” said the doctor “You’re not eating properly”